Don't read this if you are a chick

Ok so today my roommate decided to rent The Lake house.

For those who don't know, It's about Keanu Reeves falling in love with Sandra Bullock via a mailbox.

So I decided, I am just bored enough and Just Mountain Dew High enough to watch it.

And It appears to me that the entire point of the movie is the cast of Speed falls for each other again with a mailbox that transcends time...

I will give you a minute to allow that thought to sink in...

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...

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OK so there are numerous problems in this movie that I now feel compelled to blog about.

Why you may ask? Well my faithful readers (Pete) I will answer.

ITS A TIME TRAVELLING MAILBOX!!!!

Ok so here is the deal in a nut shell...

Fuck it we are past that. Its Keanu and Sandra and a temporal mail box.

She starts out by moving out of this kick ass house, and decides to write a letter to the new tenant, and appologizes about the paw prints on the porch and a box in the attic. Keanu moves in and is like WTF there is no paw prints or a box. So he writes her back. Know how he gets her the letter, He puts in back in the mailbox. The same mail box that transcends beyond the event horizon.

They talk back and forth about trivial shit, and eventually they realize that they are living in the same house 2 years appart and also, the paw prints are because Keanu's dog, a stray walks through some paint while he is painting. This same dog becomes Sandra's dog later.

I think he is actually an intelligent species sent from the future to protect Causality against Paradox. Kinda like the crew of the Einstein in Star Trek.

So in one of the letters, Sandra Bullock confesses her love of the trees and the lake house, and Keanu steals one from work and plants it out side of the condo farm where she will be living in two years. And its raining out and Sandra is getting all wet and having a shitty day, then Whammo a magic tree appears to keep her dry. How sweet?

Problems with this gensture are that first off that makes Keanu a petty thief. Stealing from work is wrong! On top of that, he puts it in where the sidewalk is going to be right in front of her stoop. So I says to myself (and my roommate) "Dude that tree is in the way they would just bulldoze it and move on". But they don't. No one cares that this fuckin sycamore just fucked up their plans. No one cares, because it is Magic.

Also, She meets up with her old boyfriend, who broke up with her because she was caught at her birthday party making out with some random guy. Any guesses on who that guy was?

Keanu!

So that makes her a filthy whore. She was making out with a dude she met only minutes ago. At her party threw by her boyfriend. Infidelity is wrong! Even when it comes to people who you mailed from the future but didn't know it was them at the time.

Also Keanu Dies.

On valentines day (2004) Sandra and her mom are having lunch, and this guy gets plowed by a bus. It wasn't even a cool Meet Joe Black Hit By A Bus Scene. It was errrrchhhh..... Booom.

Then running to save him. But he dies. And we don't know its Keanu....

Ok so they set a date, he reserves a table two years in advance Since he is living in 2004 and she in 2006.

And he bones out on her. She gets all drunk on comped wine and mails Keanu through the magic mailbox of happiness, saying that he ditched her and that she hated him and she didn't want to talk to him anymore.

Thus causing him to move out of the lake house because she broke his tender sensibilities. Because if he was living there, how could she move in?

So he starts spamming the mailbox, to know reply. Then decides to go meet her. Stalker much? NO MEANS NO, even if you are from the past.

So two years in the future, Sandra is now with her ex boyfriend, and they buy a house and are having a "new" construction firm refurbish it for them.

Know who is the Contractor in charge?

KEA....Wrong.

its his brother...

So she finds out from the brother that Keanu died two years ago today in a tragic accident.

So she runs out, ditches her new boyfriend because the Reason Keanu didn't make it to their date was because he died before they could date.

Then you see Sandra and her mom eating lunch, and the bus passes, and Keanu is standing on the sidewalk reading a letter.

And then paradox ripped him apart on a molecular level...

... or not, because he seems fine.

But as everyone knows, that when you cheat death, it will bite you in the ass.

So, Keanu's coffee mug full of vodka starts cracking and dribbles booze on to the hot plate in his kitchen...

...Or not...

So Sandra is back at the lake house (2008) to warn him about his death, and leaves a note like "It was you Keanu! and Meet me at the Lake House I will be waiting"

And he drives up with his shitty truck and they kiss. No dog, it ran away to report to the mother ship about humans fucking up the space time continuum again.

Then there is a popping sound as all of reality crumbles around them making us all non-existing.

...or not.

But there was a slow fade to black and some credits.

And that is truly how existence is going out. Something like "St. Peter Casting.....God as HIMSELF... Lucifer as Beelzebub/Satan/The Advisory....No animals were harmed in the making of this picture, all rights reserved"

So in closing, I have a couple questions about the movie. I don't want to be one of those guys, but come on, a time traveling mailbox? I don't see how it can even reach 88 miles per hour. And without George Carlin there, how would Keanu know how to use the non-existent number pad?

WTF Hollywood?

/rant

~RevBadger