Comuterism.

So I took a job in Seattle. And I live in the shitty run down commuter town known as Bremerton. What this means to you my faithful reader is that I am going to share some observances from my trip every day.

If you commute on public transportation, you know that you see the same people everyday. But you never talk to them. So I have made up little back stories to make all the people who stand out in my mind fit in.

Here is the disclaimer.... This is my views and my views only. If you aren't down with referencing knife fights with cripples, calling women Chicks, and occational jabs at the mentally ill. You may want to skip this blog. If you think observations and surlyness are the key to humor, then read on. But you have been warned.

Enjoy.

The Old School Commuter: Man I hate this guy, I don't give a flying donkey show how long you have been commuting. I don't give a fecal spray how many times you have been sitting in this spot. You can't call dibs on the Ferry. If you want it so bad, pick up your cane and run for it. I'm fat, I don't run, I just vaugely meander towards a place to park my ass. And if your gimp can't hang with my Gansta stroll, that ain't my problem. Now if you didn't come off like a hemroid laden asshat, then Maybe I would have moved. But no you had to come up on me about this is your territory and shit. I don't hang that way. Laws of the Wild Motha trucka!!! I ain't afraid to cut a bitch to keep my ass sitting down. You wanna go Gimpy McFlannelandKhakis? You will Rue the day you stepped to me. I will cut you like the line at sizzler. Then after I whoop your ass Survival of the Fattest style, I will bust out and piss all over your face there fore claiming everything you own as mine. And then you will cry. And there is nothing worse than watching a lonely old man sobbing into his skinny double half caff latte with extra foam.

Mr Yellow Jacket: This is an abnormally shaped individual that fits the description Dane Cook gives about the "Hey Thanks for the Candy" guy. I work in IT, so abnormally shaped people the thing I notice every day about Mr. Yellow Jacket is his bright onoxious Yellow Jacket that he sports with a matching bright red hat. Because of his abnormal Size and his obvious fashion sense, I think that he use to be a professional masked wrestler who got kicked out of the ring after a scandal involving the pleasuring of sheep.

The stalker: This is my favorite of all the commuters I don't like. A couple weeks ago this obnoxiously skinny chick sits on the ferry staring at me. And then follows me roughly to where I parked my car. She wasn't stalking me, she parked like four spots away from my Pimpin Festiva. So, as I get into my car, she is like "Hey" and I turn around figuring she is going to be like "You dropped something" or "Can I bum a smoke" but instead she wows me with a "Hey are you that guy who sings The Darkness." And Im like "Pardon?" And she goes "At OUr Place in Silverdale, You sing the Darkness" And Im Like "I have been known to get a little Tipsy and sing "I Believe in a thing called Love". And she goes. "Cool see you wednesday" and hops into her toyata and leaves me wondering if I have ever seen her before. To my knowledge I never did. Ever. Not once. Not in the bar, not near my car, Not on the Ferry, Not Driving down Perry. I have not laid eyes on skinny fan. I have not could not Sam I am... So anyway... about four weeks or so go by , I am on the boat and she walks up to me in all her Heroin ciche glory and says "Hey I didn't see you on wednesday". This is like almost a month after the garage episode and I never saw her at all in that time. So I tell her "I had the shits" and she chuckles and says "See you wednesday" and goes back to wherever the imaginary go to rest. So wednesday comes around and I hook up with the usual band of Reprobates and I have a couple pepsi's and stuff awaiting annoying freaky stalker fan. And you know who walks in the door?
Not her. I am scared... I think she is an ghost trying to get me to atone for me Murdering that song. murdering is not the right word for what I do to the Darkness. I would say, I butcher it into tiny pieces, have sex with the corpse of "I belive in a thing called love" using my own scat as lube. Then I skin it, eat the meaty center of it and wear the hide as a mask as I look into the mirror and talk about how I would Fuck myself... Hard.. Anyway moving on.

Hot psuedo Goth: There is this chick who is awesome to look at. She always dresses in black neck to toe, always in skirts always with her hands gloved. The only thing that makes her not Creepy goth is her white hair. Like white white. like white to the whitest power. I check her out everyday and am captivated by her grace and poise. But she must be either an Albino with contacts or maybe she is the last line of a vampiric super race bent on global domination through alluring victims with suble hotness and then turning them into an army of undead. Thats why I don't talk to her. I like my blood where it is and already serve a beautiful woman with blind obediance, shit Im almost married.

The Crazy Hot Chick: Now by this I don't mean she is "Crazy Hot" I mean she is mildly attractive, but completely bat shit crazy. You see, I'll see her checking me out when I am waiting to leave the ferry. And being a dude, I will smile back at her until I realize that she isn't smiling at me, she is smiling at her reflection in the window infront of me. You see she paces around looking into anything shiny and she starts talking quietly, So I figure maybe she is a puplic speaker or an actress and she is always memorizing her lines.... Its either that or she is nuckin futz.

The Luggage lady: YOU FUCKIN COW I HATE YOU!!! You know who you are. You with your stylish matching purse, Laptop bag, backpack and wheel luggage. You deserve to get kicked and ran into an bumped and cussed at when your 84 cubic inch bag rolls over my leopard spotted converse. I simple "I'm sorry" wouldn't cut it, but it would be a step in the right direction instead of the casual "oops smile" when you slam into my awesomeness. I mean Where the fuck are you going that you need to bring your entire damn wardrobe with you everyday? I mean WTF? Are the bags full of trained pixies that do your magic number crunching for you so you don't actually have to work? If so, you might want to cut air holes in that shit so they can breath. Also while your at it, add some extra padding because next time I ain't slowing down for your pack mule ass. Im comin through like an angry fat guy on his way to the buffet line. (Not like the apathetic fat guy on his way to work like normal) If your luggage invades my space again, so fuckin help me, I will scream like Xena and toss your shit in the garbage can. And if I find out for certain that you are a pixie abuser I will go all Viva La Revelution up on your sea chest to free the cute little imps from your evil clutches! Down with the man. Power to the people, burning bras and all that. You have been warned!!!

Mrs Wheel Chair Face: This is the hardest one for me to complain about. But she is this nice lady who happens to be in a wheel chair. That being said, she is a hipocrite. She is all "treat us handy capped people like people" and they "just want to be equal" But when you cut infront of her because you have to drop a duece in the ferry terminal bathroom, she goes apeshart. Because she has special rights to get on and off the ferry before me. So I realize she doens't want to be equal, she wants to be better. And she can't be better than me until she bests me in combat. Laws of the Wild mutha trucka. You go for my throat, you get my territory. My territory being of course my spot in line. You choose the place and time and I will destroy you!

That is all I can think of now. And besides, calling chicks crazy and threatening the handicapible is I think a good ending note.

~Rev

The power of words...

It has come to my attention that apparently inflection and inclination while vocalizing sounds are not as important as the words you say.

Let me give you the run down.

I am a player in a Play By Email Werewolf the Appocolypse game.

What this means is it is a role playing game played online... sorta.

You have different dots that represent you as a character and as such that declares what you can and can't do.

So ok... thats the backstory I am going with. Now how does this relate to english?

Well.... There is a debate going on that is the context of the post is more important than the rolls supporting it. The dice relate how well you do something. So basically they are saying it is what you say, not how you say it....

And I think that is bullshit.

ANYONE who has whored themselves out to the service industry KNOWS that is bull shit.

You see, in my experience that is the difference in peoples reaction. Customer service is not the customer is always right. It is simply telling them they are wrong nicely.

I mean case in point. Say the following phrase in your normal voice....

"Nice weather we are having"

GO ahead, you have to say it outloud for the full effect. Its ok, I won't laugh...

...
....
...
OK now try the same phrase while laughing maniacly and drooling.

Its ok, no one is watching....

This experament works best with other people. So you can guage their reaction.

Next time you walk up to someone and say. "Nice weather we are having" notice, they will look at you maybe let out a pleasant smile and say "sure is".

but if you walk up to some one and scream and giggle and say "NICE WEATHER WE ARE HAVING!?!?!?!?!" They normally shy away from you and eventually call the cops.

I mean so I have heard.

ON a side note the restraining order lifts on friday!

where was I? Oh yeah my rant.

Has the power of the english language been so degraded through text that we can't even phathom how important inflection is? I mean CHA (charisma for the non gamers*) is a game stat for a reason, Take for instance me. I am dumpy and fat, and smell like cottage cheese, and I am ugly and have a silly hair cut, and I dress like I mugged a retarded 4 year old on the way to school. But on the phone, I am slick. I am mighty, I am CHA incarnate.

I just can't talk to people face to face. Cuz they are repulsed.

And its hard to sound confident when you cry.

SO anyway, my humble readers*. What do you think is more important what you say or how you say it?

*Who am I kidding, only pete is going to read this.


~Rev

Damn... Its a picture of me...Kinda

We all want answers...

So these questions were asked last night at drunken Kareoke

so I googled the answers.

Is having sex with a clone insest, or the pinacle of masterbation technology.

It would be sick and wrong, but technically not incest as insest is defined as

–noun
1. sexual intercourse between closely related persons.
2. the crime of sexual intercourse, cohabitation, or marriage between persons within the degrees of consanguinity or affinity wherein marriage is legally forbidden.

(www.dictionary.com)

since you wouldn't be related to said clone as the clone would have no relatives (being birthed in a tube) it would not fall under the statute of incest as its technically not illegal to marry your clone. It can be argued that they would share your same blood and dna and all that, but that doesn't make it incest, as the key word is "Closely". So its really just a fucked up way to masterbate.

What is Rhode Island's full name?

It is not Rhode Island, its The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations (commonly known as Rhode Island).

From (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhode_Island)

Suck that bitches.

Do Identical twins have the exact same DNA?
I googled it, and found alot of conflicting information. Most says Yes, so thats what I am going with. You are right Leens.

What is the capitol of New Hampshire?
According to (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Hampshire) its Concord, big ups to Vino and his mighty text cheating skills.

What is Diphalic Terata?
I was right it is two wangs. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diphallus)

So in closing, I was right about Masterbation, Double Penises and Rhode Island. You guys were right about twins and New Hampshire when you cheated.

That means its 3-2 Me.

I WIN AGAIN!

~Rev

Don't read this if you are a chick

Ok so today my roommate decided to rent The Lake house.

For those who don't know, It's about Keanu Reeves falling in love with Sandra Bullock via a mailbox.

So I decided, I am just bored enough and Just Mountain Dew High enough to watch it.

And It appears to me that the entire point of the movie is the cast of Speed falls for each other again with a mailbox that transcends time...

I will give you a minute to allow that thought to sink in...

...

...

...

OK so there are numerous problems in this movie that I now feel compelled to blog about.

Why you may ask? Well my faithful readers (Pete) I will answer.

ITS A TIME TRAVELLING MAILBOX!!!!

Ok so here is the deal in a nut shell...

Fuck it we are past that. Its Keanu and Sandra and a temporal mail box.

She starts out by moving out of this kick ass house, and decides to write a letter to the new tenant, and appologizes about the paw prints on the porch and a box in the attic. Keanu moves in and is like WTF there is no paw prints or a box. So he writes her back. Know how he gets her the letter, He puts in back in the mailbox. The same mail box that transcends beyond the event horizon.

They talk back and forth about trivial shit, and eventually they realize that they are living in the same house 2 years appart and also, the paw prints are because Keanu's dog, a stray walks through some paint while he is painting. This same dog becomes Sandra's dog later.

I think he is actually an intelligent species sent from the future to protect Causality against Paradox. Kinda like the crew of the Einstein in Star Trek.

So in one of the letters, Sandra Bullock confesses her love of the trees and the lake house, and Keanu steals one from work and plants it out side of the condo farm where she will be living in two years. And its raining out and Sandra is getting all wet and having a shitty day, then Whammo a magic tree appears to keep her dry. How sweet?

Problems with this gensture are that first off that makes Keanu a petty thief. Stealing from work is wrong! On top of that, he puts it in where the sidewalk is going to be right in front of her stoop. So I says to myself (and my roommate) "Dude that tree is in the way they would just bulldoze it and move on". But they don't. No one cares that this fuckin sycamore just fucked up their plans. No one cares, because it is Magic.

Also, She meets up with her old boyfriend, who broke up with her because she was caught at her birthday party making out with some random guy. Any guesses on who that guy was?

Keanu!

So that makes her a filthy whore. She was making out with a dude she met only minutes ago. At her party threw by her boyfriend. Infidelity is wrong! Even when it comes to people who you mailed from the future but didn't know it was them at the time.

Also Keanu Dies.

On valentines day (2004) Sandra and her mom are having lunch, and this guy gets plowed by a bus. It wasn't even a cool Meet Joe Black Hit By A Bus Scene. It was errrrchhhh..... Booom.

Then running to save him. But he dies. And we don't know its Keanu....

Ok so they set a date, he reserves a table two years in advance Since he is living in 2004 and she in 2006.

And he bones out on her. She gets all drunk on comped wine and mails Keanu through the magic mailbox of happiness, saying that he ditched her and that she hated him and she didn't want to talk to him anymore.

Thus causing him to move out of the lake house because she broke his tender sensibilities. Because if he was living there, how could she move in?

So he starts spamming the mailbox, to know reply. Then decides to go meet her. Stalker much? NO MEANS NO, even if you are from the past.

So two years in the future, Sandra is now with her ex boyfriend, and they buy a house and are having a "new" construction firm refurbish it for them.

Know who is the Contractor in charge?

KEA....Wrong.

its his brother...

So she finds out from the brother that Keanu died two years ago today in a tragic accident.

So she runs out, ditches her new boyfriend because the Reason Keanu didn't make it to their date was because he died before they could date.

Then you see Sandra and her mom eating lunch, and the bus passes, and Keanu is standing on the sidewalk reading a letter.

And then paradox ripped him apart on a molecular level...

... or not, because he seems fine.

But as everyone knows, that when you cheat death, it will bite you in the ass.

So, Keanu's coffee mug full of vodka starts cracking and dribbles booze on to the hot plate in his kitchen...

...Or not...

So Sandra is back at the lake house (2008) to warn him about his death, and leaves a note like "It was you Keanu! and Meet me at the Lake House I will be waiting"

And he drives up with his shitty truck and they kiss. No dog, it ran away to report to the mother ship about humans fucking up the space time continuum again.

Then there is a popping sound as all of reality crumbles around them making us all non-existing.

...or not.

But there was a slow fade to black and some credits.

And that is truly how existence is going out. Something like "St. Peter Casting.....God as HIMSELF... Lucifer as Beelzebub/Satan/The Advisory....No animals were harmed in the making of this picture, all rights reserved"

So in closing, I have a couple questions about the movie. I don't want to be one of those guys, but come on, a time traveling mailbox? I don't see how it can even reach 88 miles per hour. And without George Carlin there, how would Keanu know how to use the non-existent number pad?

WTF Hollywood?

/rant

~RevBadger

In the beginning...

So I finally caved in and decided to blog.

And I know that I am an original just like the 20 billion other bloggers.

So what makes me so different? What makes me so fuckin special?

I have asked myself that alot.

And I would have to say...

I'm not. I am no better than anyone else out there.

But I am the only one I know of who enjoys drinking Bawled Russians.

So thats it. I am an unemployed father of 2.75 kids who lives with roomates and gets drunk.

And when drunk I do a kick ass Kareoke of "The Darkness".